Trust Issues
It is challenging to be in a relationship with someone you can not trust. How many times have we heard or even said, " I can not be with/around someone I can not trust?"
This applies to God too! How is it possible to be in relationship with God if we don't trust him? How can we come before him with everything and cast our cares on him if we secretly judge him untrustworthy in our hearts?
I will be the first to admit I have had deep trust issues in my relationship with God. In retrospect, for probably the first 7 years after I got saved, I was in constant conflict with the very existence of God and questioned his character. Truly on some petal picking is he real, is he not, he loves me, he loves me not. I was skeptical of everything and used every disappointment as an excuse to be like, see, I knew it; I knew this wasn't real. Deep down, I knew God was real, but I was more on the agnostic side of the spectrum and not a true believer. But I loved Jesus, I believed in his death and resurrection, so it was a weird space. It is the enemy's job to bring confusion. And confused I was.
My experiences with people, life, trauma, disappointments, and ignorance built all these walls around me, and I was not trying to give God access to every space within. How could I, if I didn't trust him? I was equating God with the faults and failures of mankind, even though the Bible clearly states he is not a man nor is he a liar (Numbers 23:19). Every prayer that I thought wasn't answered created a man I knew it, let me stop wasting my time thought. All the how could this happen if God questions, I had them. It was hard for me to come before God because I didn't think he would do what I was asking, I didn't trust that he was faithful, and ultimately I didn't know his character. Cause if you never open your Bible, how could you?
My Pastor often poses the question, why do we never blame Satan? After all, he is the prince of this world. He was responsible for the chaos in heaven, and he is responsible for the fall of man, sin, pain, evil, sickness, etc. Yet, we are so quick to trust the enemy and his thoughts. And we so easily blame God for all the wrongs in our lives. At least there is redemption with God. There is comfort in the midst of pain, joy, and a promise for a new experience in eternity. But we have to come to God and believe him over the enemy (Hebrews 11:6). He is faithful to reward us for coming to him anyway, despite having skepticism.
I think my trust issue stemmed from fear and this false idea that if I opened up, I could be wounded by God, and how do you recover from that? I had to get to the place where I would do it anyway! Open my Bible anyways, because what harm would it do? Pray anyways, even if it was silent and my tears were all I had to offer. Worship anyway, because God is good, period! He owns me nothing. My Bishop would always tell us that "no time spent with God is wasted."
Once I began to come to God anyways, skeptical and all, I began to see him in a new way. I feel like he began to earn my trust. You know how some people say trust is earned, not given. God, the creator of everything, owes me nothing and definitely doesn't have to prove himself to me. But he did, and he began drawing me with his loving-kindness and drowning my fears with his love. I needed to feel safe! And now I do. I can safely trust him, even when things do not go how I would like. I know his character and that he is trustworthy!
David poured out his heart before the Lord. He was never afraid to express his emotions to the one who already knew. He also vocalized the truths of who God is and praised him for his characteristics. I wish I would have opened up my mouth sooner and combat the enemy’s noise with the reality of who God is. Now I make sure to open my mouth daily and whenever I need to affirm myself of who God is throughout the day.
God is patient, loving, and kind. He wants a relationship with us, and he understands our questions. He won't force anything on you. But if you come to him anyways, unbelieving, unknowing, uncertain and all, He will lovingly "earn" your trust. Because you are just that important to him!
Give him a chance! 🤍