2017 was one of the roughest years of my life. I mean, I don't think anything can top the rooough of 2020, but I am not even ready to talk about that yet. So back to 2017, sooo many hard things happened, and I was in a really dark space. I felt like I was drowning right in front of everyone, but no one was there to save me, and honestly, I would have been ok with drowning at that time. Although I have never been suicidal, I definitely hated being alive at this point in my journey. And more than hating being alive, the feeling that it wouldn't matter if I were gone anyways taunted me.
Let me give a little background before I continue with the happenings of 2017. At this point in my life, I was saved, knew the Lord, filled with the Holy Ghost, all that. My existence is literally the fruit of prophecy and prayer. I am my parent's promised seed. Which at the time felt like a curse instead of a blessing. I was for real on some Job curse the day in which I was born type mood. I have a rock-solid spiritual foundation, and I could not have asked for better spiritual parents than the ones God chose to birth me under. I have been taught how to fast, pray, build an authentic relationship with God, live according to His precepts, and so much more. I had all the tools, yet there was a disconnect somewhere within me, and this added sorrow to all that I was feeling.
When I say I was broken, words can't even describe it. I felt beyond repair, stuck and exhausted. It seemed like everything was coming down on me at one time, and I thought I would never recover. I feel like this was the first time in my life I had been open enough to experience all the feels, and so they all decided to surface at once. I started having physical symptoms because of all the distress & anxiety, and when I say my body is just now beginning to recover, I'm saying like April 2021. But I just felt like my life didn't matter, what I was going through didn't matter, that God didn't care, that he was, in fact, punishing me, and I even questioned his existence altogether. I don't know if I ever vocalized it, but in my thoughts, I was saying, God, I need you to show me who you are this year, I need you to make yourself real to me, or I can't do this anymore, and I'm walking away. Silly me! But I thank him for hearing my heart's cry and responding!
So one night around Novemberish of 2017. I was having a rough night; I don't even remember everything that happened. What I do know is that I was in bed crying, full outburst, but silent. I ended up on the floor face down crying to God; again, I am unsure if I ever opened my mouth, but I know what was on my heart. I was having a real come to Jesus moment, and like if you don't step in now, I'm not going to make it. I was questioning his love and honestly like, why are you doing this to me? On some, if you don't love me, then just let me go already, and you can't love me because this this and that keeps happening and you have said nothing nor rescued me out of this. But all I really wanted was for him to embrace me and let me know it would be ok. As I laid in my puddle of tears, all of these promises, prophecies, and words began to surface in my mind. Then for the first time ever, I felt like a gentle whisper in my heart that echoed, you are my purposed daughter. That very moment my life changed completely, and I knew that he was with me. It has been a journey, and I have needed him to affirm his love to me over and over. And when I say I have had prophecy after prophecy from 2018 until this year about his love for me and how I belong to him. I want to cry even now because that one encounter with God recused me from the deepest well of despair!
Now I can say come see a man! The one who told me that I have a purpose. Who loved me back to life. Who walked with and is yet walking alongside me on the healing journey. My process isn’t complete. If I’m honest, I have no idea what this season will be, and I feel slightly terrified. But I know what happens when I open up myself to encounter God in a new way; my life changes for the better!
This can be your story too! Your pain isn't too deep; nothing is beyond his reach! You are not too broken. You are not worthless. You too are his purposed child, the one he chose before the foundation of the world. He doesn’t require you to have it all together before you come to him. He welcomes our brokenness, our questions, and even our apprehensions. He loves us big! He wants access to the well of your deepest pain so he can give you an encounter with his presence and love. May you feel him even now embracing you, letting you know that I see you, I care, and you are never alone! ❤️
*John chapter 4 tells the story of the Samaritan Woman who had a life-changing encounter with Jesus at the well. It's worth the read if you are not familiar with the passage.